Generations
My Daughter Kelsey and I at the same age
I’ve been going through a lot of family pictures lately trying to get many scanned and properly stored away in our home. This is one of the final “to do’s” since my marriage and merger that I haven’t finished yet, so I’m in photo-organization-mode. I found some great pictures that I sorted into a file called “Generations”. As I looked at them, I was struck by the amazing likenesses from one generation to the next. It’s truly striking in some cases……while in others, you’d just about swear that there was a mix up in the hospital! Where my children are concerned however, they look just like their father and I.
We all have families and family members who have molded and impacted our lives. Some of us are lucky with wonderful parents and only the fondest memories. Others have very painful memories and struggle to find anything good about their past. The rest of us fall somewhere in between those two extremes and perhaps had families that simply did the best they could. There is no doubt that our family of origin makes an impact on who and what we become.
I have been involved with The Boot Camp since its inception and have witnessed hundreds if not thousands of people who are well into adulthood yet still struggling to process their past. Many are angry at their family or family members for some wrong that was done while others are oblivious to their relative’s influence in their lives at all. A few days after my “likeness revelation”, I had to do some filming for a new concept (online drills) we’re doing on the Boot Camp site. The drill called “Generational Damage” got me thinking about how deeply we are impacted. (feel free to visit www.marriagebootcamp.com if you would like to try our drills)
The online version of tihs drill is based upon a live Boot Camp drill that we call “Mother – Father”. This exercise takes the participants back to consider the feelings they have about their parents. Many of them are somewhat surprised when they figure out that by not dealing with the issues they may have with their parents that they are passing on the same damage to their own children. I’ve also had some people tell me that they can’t identify why they feel hurt about their parents because were wonderful. They never heard them argue when they were growing up and they were dependable. Even if you think your parents were great, examine what their shortcomings were. Were they sterile and too perfect? How has that molded you? Were your parents Ward and June Cleaver? How has that helped you be expressive and genuine in your life?
No matter what, almost everyone has made the statement at one time or another……”I’ll never be like my parents”. In the end, we become what we’ve learned….unless, and we take the time to break some cycles in our lives.
It’s impossible to deny the patterns that are repeated generationally in families. When was the last time you slowed down to really think about your parents and their influence on you? I’ve often said that I had every reason in the world to be really screwed up because of my Dad. But I learned over time and through a lot of hard work that rather than blaming anyone or anything for my circumstances, it would better serve me to face it, get mad about it, cry about it, laugh about it or whatever it took, but to let it go.
WARNING: When you deal with your feelings about your parents, you risk having no one else to blame! From that point on, it means that good or bad, you take full responsibility for the circumstances of your life. OUCH! It’s not easy. NO more blame game, no more being victim, no whining……….just taking responsibility, growing, changing if needed and moving on.
Are you willing to take that hard look at yourself and your past? Pull out some family photos when you have time and compare yourself to your parents at the same ages. Find the photo that reflects your happiest moment (usually at Christmastime) and then find the photo where you look like an angry 16 year old being forced to participate in some family event rather than going out with your friends. You know the one. Maybe you had to pose at Aunt Susie’s wedding or the one where your mom told an embarrassing story about you at the Thanksgiving table. Maybe yours was the one where you had to spend a summer with your Dad working at his auto shop or if you’re like me, it’s the 7th grade school picture where I had to part my hair the way my Dad wanted me to and couldn’t wear makeup like all the other girls! (Big HUFF) What was really going on in those pictures?
Many of us have had the experience of losing a loved one and know all too well the many things we wish we could have said to them or done with them. Well did you know that you can forgive someone and never have to tell them that you did? You can actually reflect forgiveness in the way you live. It’s never too late to start. How are you like each of your parents OR, how are you over compensating to avoid being like them? If you’re married, how is your spouse like one of your parents? How might you be carrying on their legacy whether good or bad? What will your kids say you did that hurt them when they are your age?
I saw a quote the other day from an unknown author that said this: “No matter what negative experiences or regrets you’ve had about your past, your future is SPOTLESS!”
During this season of celebration, most of you will spend time with your families. Whether they were wonderful or absent, they are YOUR family. Take some time to consider what you “feel” when your with your family. Consider how they’ve impacted you. Have you dealt with your past?
